For those who don’t know about what I do when I am not blogging, I attended a catering course which I decided to do as a way try and find a way out of my shell. To be honest with you I hated my entire year there, I have regretted leaving my dreams of acting and tried to be good at what I find mundane, don’t get me wrong I love cooking. For me I cannot see a future in this, but I don’t care I want to be a good cook not a chef. I am a good cook. As I have said in a previous post I got along well with a group of people until I had an anxiety attack, I think they thought I was crazy. Since then I never felt a part of the group. I was an outsider, I wasn’t welcome I was tolerated. In my last few weeks of classes I felt like I was being froze out. Ironically the song ‘Let it go’ from Frozen became the way to describe how I felt and it still applies now because I feel uplifted about leaving. I did have a few exceptions, a few people that didn’t hate me and I liked talking too.
It’s not only the students that weren’t welcoming with open arms, a couple of teachers hated me. I know hate is a strong word, and I sound like a pathetic teenager girl complaining that world is against me. But one teacher constantly put me down and made me feel like I was useless and stupid. However he is in prison now, for growing marijuana with the purpose to sell. He was a great chef and has had a great career I feel bad for him because he ruined his reputation.
The other teacher often made me feel self-conscious and I think that some of the time he was attempting humour. Allow me to verbally reminisce and fill you in on what happened. As you may know I have being ill the past few weeks, I have being in and out of hospital and treated for many different things, and before all of this I was a gym goer. I love going to the gym, I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. I’ve had to stop now. But it was in the first few weeks of illness. I told my teacher how I have being ill and that I wasn’t feeling well enough to continue with the day, that I needed to go the hospital. He openly and loudly said in front of the whole class “it could be the steroids, Billie you could have had too much. I have noticed you have got large arms”. I would have you know I have never taken any drugs in my life, unless given them by doctors. I have got large arms and in the gym I was toning them and working on them to get smaller. I have honestly never felt so embarrassed in my life, well I have but the feeling is heart breaking.
I have passed my course, I don’t know what grade I got, I told my teacher I didn’t care what I had achieved. I was so beyond caring by this point. But prior to this when I handed in my merit/distinction level work for the first time, I was told it wasn’t even a pass. Then I was told to accept the pass because I had to face it there is no place for me in the catering industry. I had a mad rush and did more work then handed it all in again. Now I’m free. I am rid of all the stress and anxiety. At least I learned how to cook better though!